I said

I hate you! I said. I lied. I shattered.
It echoed. You pondered. You feared. You shivered.
I stopped breathing then, nearly a second or two,
Guilt reciprocating, when I tried to hold you.

I breathed. I sighed. I talked. Confused.
You listened. You cried. You walked. I lose.
Standing, staring, as you turn to the door,
You left in silence, from bitterness I bore.

Gasping of air, so thin I breathed in,
I watched, I stared, everything lost its meaning.
I fluttered, I drowned, I failed for breath,
I wandered, I entered, I failed for death.

inspirational hiccups

There comes a time when our heads take some time off. We have this unpredictable slump like we attempt to read while our eyes are soaking in a glass of water. Well, the idea is that our mind’s eye goes temporarily blind. In this case, we need enough mental stimulation to flush us out of this fiddly spot. We have to free our heads from the double-parked tension. We need to channel our creative soul for an inspiration.

As a well-experienced man on mental-malfunctioning, I’ll give a few notes on how to dive on an inspirational pool:

1. A short-run goal. Something that I’m currently indulging. Always keep a notebook and a pen wherever you go. You have no idea when will an idea spark. Stunning concepts usually start out as a random doodling. If visuals kick-in, pen it down and pull-it off with an amazing rendering. It’s an instant gratification and a bit of an accomplishment.

2. Picture book-worm. Yeah I know it sucks to read an inch-thick book. You have all those black tiny times new roman words that drool down the pages. Come-one, leave it to the boring blokes who live with that life. Indulge yourself with a bunch of photos and magazines appealing to you. Cut or tear them up instead and paste into a collage. Play with the colors, textures and patterns. Explore and it sure will serve as a primer of inspiration.

3. Go-over your DVDs. I’m sure there are a lot of movies crafted with a crazy concept. Fictional flicks can really spark smooth ideas. Spoil that geeky enthusiasm on a creative running. Watching movies can certainly stimulate the right side of your brain for a few hours.

I only thought of three, but these are experienced and confirmed effective. Though these may sound a little dubious at first but, hey I guarantee you having a far-out inspiration in the end. As it seems this post has nothing to do with hiccups, I am currently having hiccups while writing this.

a detour

Alone I sat at the back of the van,
Together you rode as he holds your hand.
Bound by stillness, I can’t make any move,
You talk so sweet I was there I can prove.

As I trace the road I pretend I’m good.
I looked at you both and smile as I could.
I witnessed the joy and glee in your face,
I figured out this won’t just last for days.

When people dream of love so true,
They believe in the existence within themselves too.
The love you’ll find is not yours but who,
Inside the couple sitting right next to you.

the junkyard

We'll be donating old toys and books to the under privileged kids and this morning we started piling and sorting out some old stuff. On this pile of dusty books, I saw Harriet the Spy. For those who do not know, Harriet the Spy is a novel for children about a young girl aspiring to be a spy. She watches over people and writes everything she comes across in her notebook.

I was once a spy like that kid in the book but instead of yearning on pencil and notebook, I used to carry around my fake little gun while wearing a black vest with pockets all over it. I was sneaking around our house, playing undercover, throwing paper shurikens (ninja stars), pointing gun to our maids’ faces whenever I get caught and do stuff that now seems to sound a little insane. I laugh at those times and often remember referring to myself as an assassin. Haha I miss those days, easier homeworks, friendlier teachers, lesser responsibilities, I only worry about which toy to play.

Anyway I felt a little nostalgic as I sort out my old stuff and I did a little thinking. I was questionning myself with why? when? what? how? As I observe myself, I realized that I’ve been nurturing an inner doubt. I've been frequently rejected and I was not fending it off my head. I kept all those situations affecting how I act now. Rejections will never fade and it’ll be there prowling in different forms. My head is filled with hesitations and I’m gradually losing my confidence. I usually quit even before committing on something. I always have this thought that I will soon crash and fail.

When I was a kid, I used to be confident, witty, independent and often take-charge of situations. Now, I rely too much on other’s opinion. My ego is concerning more on what the others will think. Perhaps I need to pay attention on how I gradually kill my psyche, I need to refresh and be like myself 12 years ago... confident and independent.

I can't

I can’t feel the pain but I know it hurts,
Ambiguous feelings, crushes and flirts
It has been so long and it’s easy to lie,
Hide it all deep down please let it die.

It all happened when my eyes were just right,
I saw from a mile I was hugging you tight.
When I close my eyes I learned to smile,
I keep watching clouds and think for a while.
I refuse to kneel before you choose to see,
Would this be right watching you with me?

You see me reaching and met me halfway,
But instead you fazed and drove away.
What really happened did you see my eyes?
It’s strange it was enough, you got it realized.

You started building wall for both to see,
Underneath the umbrella it can’t be you and me.
Behind that wall you saw this tree,
Without constraints it shades you completely.

Hey I was the first to hear your story,
I smiled and laughed and said it was corny.
Tell me more and I wanted to hear,
For none of these words are coming clear.

Insecure, incompletely now it’s hard to fit in,
Alone, left standing like I should have been.
Where do I go after all these bitter doubts?
I’ll try to sing along maybe wrong, let it out.

the suicidal dude

I’m on a break, there’s nothing much to do around here so flipping channels is the farthest entertainment that I can get. I got fixed on the news where in a guy is attempting to jump from a billboard. Instead on sympathizing on his grief, I sneered then burst into laughter. I’m sorry if it was rude but the impression that I was getting was funny. He was like crying, grieving, trying to get an attention from the media or at least someone. He keeps on saying that his life is empty and blah blah blah. He has been there barely sitting on a branch of a billboard’s iron construction. I don’t know what’s so depressing, all I saw was that he wanted to jump and kill himself.

I wish I know exactly how he feel but I don’t closely know him. I don’t know why he would want to kill himself. It’s really hard for someone to understand what’s exactly is going on with his head. I wish he would realize before he jumps how fair the world is and problems will soon be over. But that would be the case of lying just to get him off that situation. The truth is the world is so unfair, life sucks and everything about it stinks. There is poverty, injustice, corruption and discrimination. We are surrounded by greed, lies, deceit, backstabs and evilness. All these we encounter every hour in different forms.

There are actually a lot of reasons to jump off that billboard. If he really wants to die, no one can stop him but he should just be firm with it. It’s a choice that anyone can make but consider the fact that death is permanent and there’s no turning back. You can’t die and beg for your life for from God. If he may be trying to get an attention.. dude, committing suicide is not really cool. It’s insane and pointless and selfish. I think it’s a stupid way of expressing your melodramatic life.

If he has this overemotional life, why wouldn’t he consider expressing it through music? art? … blogging? Why did he instantly grab the idea of suicide? I guess his head was corrupted by the devil. Perhaps he just gave up; he chose to be eaten by evil.

I’ve been through this sadness and I’m hanging in there. I’m still pushing on despite the continuous failure. I struggle to continue living the world though I know that I will fail. He said that his life is empty. Well the purpose of living is to create your own meaning. In order to pull that off, you have to make your own significance or worth. You need to fill the pages of your journal. You need to refill the cartridge of your printer. You need to fill up the empty spaces. Am I making any sense?

yosi kadiri

I’m not against anyone who smokes, but I can’t deal with the fact that I’m being surrounded by smokers. I’m quite disappointed with a friend whom I thought as the last person to light a cigarette. We don’t see each other that much so I met her for lunch to catch up on things. After a satisfying supersized meal, she asked me for a light while sucking up a cigarette and I was weirdly surprised. Well I mean this person frequently says that she’ll never ever like it but now it seems like smoking is her after-meal habit. I’m probably sounding odd for making a topic over it but I’m making an issue concerning second-hand smoke.

I know a bunch of friends and relatives who smokes and living with it kills me. I hate being a second-hand smoker, I hate the feeling, and I hate the staining smell. I just hate how smoking turns out be an inevitably inconsiderate habit. I do not smoke, but there were just no time when I come home from a party without the stench of cigarette on my shirt. Every time I go out, I’m forced to inhale the fumes of these toxins though I tried so badly avoiding it.

There was a time when I came home and my mom perhaps thought that I was smoking. She gave me this long lecture regarding how smoking kills and I should avoid it. She was really convinced that I smoke and no explanation could justify the smell of cigarette stained on my shirt. It felt like I was caught red handed from a crime I did not do.

Yeah, I tried smoking when I was a sophomore in high school and I never really liked it. It was out of the pressure of my snooping curiosity and I’ve been off of it now.

I’m not supposed to direct anyone from choosing their decision whether to smoke or not to. Everyone is given the privilege to choose their habits and smoking perhaps is one those. I’m just disappointed with people who selfishly choose their decision. We all know that cigarettes provide no benefits and it can only cause death. For those who are trying to quit, hats off to you and please influence my dad... thanks. And for those who won’t care adding up in the smokers death club, try not to do it anywhere near me.. I really can’t convince my mom that I do not smoke.

a small recognition

I’ve been drawing since I was seven. When I was in grade school I was frequently requested to draw on the board by the teachers. I would draw silly comical characters as a request of my friends. My art works would always be considered in display. My teachers always consider me for drawing contests but I’ve never won the first prize. Judges were not that sharp enough to appreciate a monochromatic artwork. They’re just too dim-witted to be struck by these colorful fancy drawings. I’m not really an enthusiast of colors, I fit more on monochromatic and pen & ink drawings.

In highschool, English department of LaSalle Greenhills annually organizes a bookjacket and bookmark making contest. I was considered to join for three consecutive years and I’ve never won. In my senior year, I made a bunch of drawings upon insist of my friends for a social science class project. And yeah this time it was not for free. I took the advantage from every line and second that I draw and well it was worth it. It was funny that my teacher recognized the drawings from one source. No, I did not get into trouble but instead I was entered in a competition. We illustrated the theme for the social science week and I unexpectedly won.

My name was given recognition during our morning ceremony. It was one of the seldom moments when you really feel proud about something. It was not the best artwork that I’ve done but I made a good impression. I was granted as the first placer and I feel like I can officially say that I've won.

while the iron is hot...

It seems like whenever the season changes my mood changes. Now that vacation is arriving, my creative spirit is re-awakening. I am suddenly craving for something inspiring. It is just bizarre that my creative mood rises on breaks and vacations while I very much need it in school. I don’t know if this has happen to anyone. Ever since the undying demand of work and time in school last week, I’ve been feeling lethargic whenever I see my bed- perhaps a normal thing for someone who lacks sleep for days doing endless conceptualizing, drafting and rendering.

Things have turned its way around and I’m now more motivated in working on anything and I can’t wait to see myself dabbling in my SLR, sketchbook or even walls. This mood started after I can’t get my hands off this computer. Adobe Illustrator was my friend this morning and I just made some silly stuff. (What a waste of time.) Maybe I should start working on something productive, as the saying goes: strike while the iron is hot. This blog has been unusually quiet so I would probably consider updating more often.

milenyo in metro

Despite my time-demanding work, I’ll share a bit of Milenyo’s cold-blooded trip in Manila. Last September 28, Typhoon Milenyo came to visit Manila with a rampaging hello. All he left was flood, ruthless damage and deaths of fellow filipinos. I was so relieved that none of my friends or family was hurt and our place survived with minimal damage (our landscape. agh.). I was watching the news and realized how lucky I was compared to the others who live in under-secured shelters. I saw videos of the storm’s unforgiving stay damaging trees, houses, billboards, even electric posts and toppled trucks.


As I watch the news, one thing came to my mind. The architect of nature has spoken and has lost her sweetness as a nurturing mother. I am so sorry for those who mourned and sympathized on their lost, I pray for your emotional and spiritual recovery.

We lost our electric power and we experienced the nightmare of living without TV, internet, air-conditioning and uncharged mobile phones. Those two nights without electricity gave an unusual bond with my family. We strangely had a board-game night while waiting for the power restoration. It was boring, weird but funny for we have not played monopoly, scrabble, nor candyland for decades.

It was fun going back to basics. I noticed how peaceful it was, no cell phones ringing, no tv or radio playing, no electric fan whirring. After surviving without electricity, I realized how dependent we are now with wired innovations. We give all our attention with technology and continuously forget all about the traditional stuff. I slept that night without thinking or worrying about anything. It was a sleep like my body will wake up whenever it is ready to.