after fleeing my little world

It takes some time to recover from the injury of sadness. But I realized that the only weapon against the depressing feeling is another emotion, happiness. Simply remember all the good times. It helped me get through the assault of despair and hopelessness. These happy thoughts gave my strength back.

One happy thought and it made me smile. It’s simple but it can liven up what was once disappointing. Little by little I seek happiness to the better days. The more I smile and laugh, the more I remember those fun moments that I’ve spent with everybody. One simple thought can lighten the huge baggage we’re carrying.

We should seek joy from the simplest day and it’ll possibly pull us out of the hole of misery. When we seek happiness we hold on to the strength of positivity, which is a compelling weapon enough to beat the crap of sadness.



I spent the holy week with some friends taking chances on finding something. I packed my bags and left. We traveled as far as alaminos city, pangasinan. We made a little visit at the hundred islands national park. I was generally thinking about fun, relaxing and leaving my little world in the metro.

We took a 40minute boat ride from our lodge to reach the quezon island. We savored the available adventures that we can get. We swam away our stress and enjoyed the warm temperature. We indulged in a little island-hopping from the three tourist developed beaches. We embraced the paddling thrill and made a little competition within ourselves in kayaking.

At the last day, I sat with a friend along the shore. I made a little psycho analyzing. I was frankly asking myself like why do I always screw up? Screw ups from absences, cuts and non submission of school requirements. All these saying that I am lazier than most. Once I experienced the consequences I often say to myself: “well.. I didn’t give my all, I was not working that hard.” I think I’m trapped in that box of justifying my lethargic actions. Why am I letting myself be fucked up? I don't want to be an indolent purposeless being. I’m no longer enjoying this habit. When will I hold on the wheel and experience a new turn in my life?

strike three... should i be out?

I’m sick of being me. I’m tired concealing this frustration with stupid laughs. I’m not happy. Can I just ditch this life? I don’t want to fit myself again into something I’m supposed to. I don’t enjoy pushing myself into what is expected. I just don’t have that comfort in keeping a life in a way we should. Yes it’s stupid but I want a different life. Does the life that I badly want exist?

I remember being in this exact discouraging situation a year ago. If this thing keeps happening again and again, something’s probably wrong. Perhaps something’s missing in what I’m doing. I thought I was shuffling my cards pretty well when it directly hit me. I’m on the ground right now having a second thought on getting up again. Can I just wait here until the next time I fall down? I’m just tired of picking myself up.

I can’t keep messing around. I can’t just cry and accept each failure as an ordinary thing. Every failure has a cause. And that fucking cause what kills me. I’ve been here yet I still can’t stir the wheel to the other direction. I keep falling on the same hole every year. Though I know a path away from it, why am I so relaxed frisking along the smooth road down to a lifeless end?

I’m already exhausted by this endless failing. It seems like I’ll be forever clouded by disappointments. I already thought of putting my life on hold. I thought of packing my bags for a while. I want to see what it feels like to leave this life. I want to run off without thinking about the responsibilities that I could be throwing away. I want to take risk in searching my purpose. I just wish that I can pull through a better life after discovering that purpose.