is it anxiety?

I’ve been spending a lot of guilt-inducing time on my leather journal. Skimming and compulsively reading-through pages. I saw earlier doodling and with conceit, I can say that I draw a whole lot better now. My leather journal has begun to be like a gap-filler habit whenever I feel like doing something. I spend an embarrassing time writing and doing silly little drawings.

My idle hands are pretty much in a world of its own. I realize whenever I enter my room, I impulsively snatch that leather notebook from my drawer and aimlessly write or draw. It’s a good thing though, for I‘ve pushed myself away from technology. Unlike before, I spend so much time on the internet pointlessly surfing the same site that I already browsed earlier that day.

But anyway, neither surfing nor doodling is the thing here. It’s the fact that I’m indeed yet again procrastinating. I’m unconsciously avoiding work. I divert my attention to doodling thus abandoning my academic commitments. Why is it so hard to focus?

Avoiding work has been an issue to students anxiously facing routine-like deadlines. We somewhat turn our heads away from our supposed responsibilities. Are we in denial of our commitments? Then why are we diverting all our attention on something more pleasurable? I’m covering-up because I’m afraid to be stressed, I’m afraid to be pressured, I’m afraid to fail, so I indulge more on enjoyable things.

As one of our professors would stress it, is struggling with procrastination all about time management skills? I believe procrastination is not only an issue of laziness. Consider psychological issues as well. We all have tendencies to have issues on anxiety or self-esteem, over-estimating the scale of task instead of breaking into smaller pieces. We should consider the psychological cause that needs more attention, instead of sucking in disparaging impressions making our habits even worse.

under house arrest

It has been three days of no school. Since weather officials expected heavy typhoon rains, classes were again suspended. Three days!! Some of you would be happy but weird to say, I want to go to school. A day of suspension would be great, two.. nice, but three days of staying at home? There’s nothing much to do.

I’ve seen a couple of dvds but nothing kept me thrilled. So I satiated my boredom by listening to some music. My itunes has been pretty cooperative. It kept me busy for a while. But singing and lip-syncing got me pretty exhausted. Now I don’t know where my boredom will lead me but I wish somewhere enjoying.

Anyway our pond overflowed because of the rain and some fish jumped out of it. As a good steward of God's creation, I got on our lawn barefoot and chased a couple of fish. I unflinchingly caught all four with a great hold and threw them back in the water. My feet were bloodily covered with mud, my clothes were rain-soaked, and my face was a bit mud-spattered. A nosy neighbor gave me this grubby stare like I’m a scrappy kid next door. I don’t mind though. I just had a good proud chuckle afterwards.

f*ck!! sh*t!! b**ch!!.... better watch my words.

no rain

How amazing it is to have our shoot to be spoiled by rain after days of excitement and planning. Yesterday we prepared ourselves for a long sweat-drenching day of photographing. We got ourselves on the busy streets as planned to take pictures of our clichéd world. But I planned to shoot a different environment. I planned to shoot the reality perhaps. As a fan of photography I lean towards photojournalism, a subject with real emotions.

But our plans were messed up by the weather. There were four of us clutching our stuffs, slrs strapped around our necks as we ran for shelter. The street was bizarrely cleared in a nano second. Plastic bags and wrappers were left scattered along the streets as water started to rise along the street gutter. I think it was a good material to shoot. It was so sad, deserted and depressing. I thought of taking a shot but I don’t recall my slr to be waterproof. I just stared at the sight for a minute.

Soon we found ourselves in McDonalds. We stayed there while there was a shit rain. Mother Nature was a downer that day. A friend who was with us admitted that she prayed for rain. We blamed her for a laugh and our usual outlandish talks brought up a sensitive issue that I was not really aware of.

Last Sunday, like most parishes sincerely prayed for rain. I rarely go to mass so I can’t keep up with what’s going on in churches these days. I have no idea that it has been in the news for days. The country is most likely fearing to experience drought. The impact of lack of rain could possibly affect the production of rice in some areas of the country. Where have I been? Everyone was pleased that we have been marred by rain for days now.

These strange weather transitions could be an effect of Al Gore’s take on Global Warming. A part of the world could be experiencing torrential rains, and ironically some areas are as well are suffering from drought. It’s starting to be a little disturbing. I wish to see myself decades from now breathing independently and still doodling on my porch. Anyway after three days for being besieged by rain I have convinced myself to stay home and watch more TV.. news perhaps.

a short one

It seems like I lost the urge in writing. Every time I try to start, I find myself more interested and better off spending my time doing something else. It feels odd to be away from the computer and be no longer addicted to the internet. It’s strange that I would rather be alone doodling in my room.

I know you’ll ask what am I up to lately. Honestly.. nothing. I haven’t started with my project and I’m just indulging pretty much on doing nothing. It wouldn’t hurt to just chill and be alone for a while. I’ve been intensely stressed by school and my personal life and I think I deserve some lonesome relaxing.

an assholic

It was supposed to be a night of relaxing, refreshing and fun. We pulled a long table, ordered beers, fries and tacos, and waited for the others. As our buckets of beers were served our friends came. But something discouraged me from drinking. I only had a bottle and that’s it. I was bout to bail and thought of having some unreasonable expensive coffee nearby. Perhaps I was just having a down pocket time.

I was completely sober last night. I watched how people misplace their mental stability when intoxicated. I know alcohol can influence a person’s “self” to split in half and be insanely wacko. I understand people’s tendencies to flip out. But I saw someone’s badly trying to be cool or should I say “posing” to be cool? That place was full of retarded wannabes.

I believe people only lose such sensitivity and tactfulness when drunk. I think our personality remains and alcohol could not snatch our individuality. He’s trying to do crummy things and feel compelled to be likeable. Dude you’re not. You were just being an annoying crap.

I completely lost the mood and couldn’t fake a grin on my face. So I went ahead before my annoyance would go to full uncontainable rage. At home I tried to cheer myself up with a bag of cheetos and a glass of milk. I lay on my bed and did not change my position until I doze off. It was a strange night. I don’t know what was with me. If guys have a monthly period, I was having mine. Maybe I was MANstruating.